Neediness

This is a hard post to write since the tension of money is especially difficult for many missionaries, and it isn’t one we have resolved yet. We struggle with this tension every day.

When we have visitors from the US, some question how we can live with the comforts of “home” while many around us are less fortunate. We may answer that our ministry entails lots of entertaining (it does – we have students in our home all the time). Or we may say that we are in a different situation – living at an American School and ministering to very western kids – which is also true. Our ministry, unlike many other missionaries, is not primarily to nationals. We do not live in a village. We work at an American School and rub shoulders with kids who love to eat hamburgers and play video games.

However we see needs around us every day. We have Kenyan friends who are struggling to pay school fees for their kids or put food on the table. Many of our school employees walk nearly an hour to work each day. They leave a humble home that may not have electricity or running water and come to our school, which probably looks like Disney World to them.

It is a tension that is constantly on my mind. Feeling guilty. Trying to justify. Looking for ways to help, yet not wanting to create dependency. Comparing what I have to others and feeling incredibly rich (funny how I can immediately feel so poor on the other side of the ocean, though!)

We look for ways to help. We have paid school fees, medical bills, bought chickens and cows, paid for electricity to be installed, donated furniture, bought school uniforms and books, donated clothes and toys. Yet all of this is a drop in the bucket compared to all the needs we see every day. It is overwhelming.

We love to help those we know. It is frustrating to have someone show up at your door who you don’t even know and they say, “You are my friend, give me money.” In those moments, no matter how big the need, one can feel taken advantage of and used. It is hard to admit, but at times, the neediness around me is wearisome. I get tired of all the requests and pleas.

And then in the next moment, I am writing my next support letter, thanking people for giving money to our ministry, perhaps admitting that we are under-supported and need more. Ahh…neediness. It comes back to haunt me. We are all so needy.

Just as my friend Nancy said the other day, in relation to a conversation we were having about parenting, “If formulas and books completely worked, we wouldn’t rely on God.” So true. We are ever so needy. If we had all the money in the world, would we need God? If we had all the parenting good sense we needed, would we pray for guidance?

In the midst of my neediness, I am so thankful for a Savior who does not tire of my pleas and requests, but patiently listens and loves.